Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Ramblings of a Madman

I've had this overwhelming urge to post lately, but my thoughts are so random and jumbled lately that I feared I would just ramble-on incoherently. However, I'm going to give it a go anyway, so you've been warned.

First, I wanted to piggy back the comment Steph made about Eli feeling so far away. I too have been feeling the same lately. I didn't know Steph felt the same until I read the latest post. I find this feeling somewhat disconcerting. Throughout this process, this is the furthest Eli has felt from me. I hope this is just a natural progression of emotions, and it only last a short time because it is not a good feeling, to say the least. While on the topic of emotions, I've been looking for a way to explain all that we have experienced throughout this adoption. I don't like calling it a roller coaster ride. For one, it is cliche. Two, a roller coaster ride only lasts a short time - two minutes tops. This has certainly gone on longer than that. So, I am open to suggestions. How do you describe an experience where you have your heart ripped-out with bad news then handed back to you within days, sometimes hours or minutes with the best news you've heard in while? How do you describe the joy and bliss, the utter sadness and helplessness we've had to endure? However you describe it, we want off of this ride. We want our Eli for good!!

Despite all of the crap we've had to endure, in the same breath we feel very blessed. To put a positive spin on us having to wait as long as we have, it has given us the opportunity to experience Guatemala in ways we probably would not have otherwise. Had we flown through this adoption we probably would have never taken a visit trip, let alone three. It is because of having to wait we have met so many wonderful people, both here in the US and in Guatemala. We probably never would have got to see the hospital where Eli was born. We would not have experienced Christmas in Guatemala- one of the best experiences of my life. And now, we will get to see Semana Santa. The best part is we did this all with Eli. These will be important parts of Eli's life story. It because of all of these happenings that we have fallen madly in love with Guatemala. It is in our soul. We feel such a strong connection to Guatemala, even greater than this is being Eli''s birth country. I think I speak for both of us when I say, Guatemala is on our minds every hour of everyday. We are always plotting ways in which we can go there and stay for awhile (longer than a week). So, to say we are blessed is an understatement. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jumping up and down with joy the adoption has taken this long, but I do feel blessed.

Once again I think I speak for the both of us on this, we have been provided a deeper glimpse into inner beings, due to our excruciating wait. We have seen how strong we really are and can be in the face of hardship. I am amazed how gracefully we have gotten through all of this. That doesn't mean there haven't been some ugly days around here because there have been . . . some really ugly ones. But, we get back up to face the next challenge. People have said to me in the past when I tell them what is happening "I don't know how you guys do it." I once responded, and I truly believe this - this is the hardest thing I have ever done, yet it is the easiest. I think it is pretty obvious how it's been hard, but it has been so easy because I want this so badly. When something goes wrong with our adoption I don't have to wonder what we are going to do; I already know. We are going to do whatever is necessary to get through it and to rectify the issue. It's that easy, but not easy by any means. Anything worth doing is going to be difficult. I didn't fully realize what I was signing-on for when we decided on this adoption . . . I still don't.


Joelsburg said...

Amen, JJ.

Jess said...

Thanks for writing that Jason. I truly admire you both.

You are right, there is no way to describe what you are going through.

You are both tremendous people.

Jennifer & Derek said...

Well said. This is one of the most difficult yet awesome experiences and I am glad to see that despite the walls you have been stopped by you both are growing ever stronger in this.

We have been struggling with feeling disconnected too and it is a very hard thing to deal with.

Praying for you both.

Anonymous said...

Jason, great thoughts... I don't like the roller coaster cliche either. None of us knew what we were in for when we started this journey...if we did would we start?? Absolutely!!, because Eli WILL come home and when he does you will be forever grateful for the journey that made you a matter how hard the road. Praying Eli is home soon!

Bobbi said...

What a wonderful post. You and Steph have such a way of looking at this. It makes the rest of us stop and think. I wish I was half as strong as the two of you.

Eli will be home soon!

Jennifer & Filipe said...

Good post! It is so good for me to be able to have contact with other people adopting from Guatemala like you! There are times when I feel like no one can really understand what I am going through and then I read posts like this one. Thanks!

Donna said...

Jason and Steph - Huge hugs!! You guys are an amazingly strong couple. And you will get through this and Eli will be home! And all this will be (like Beth said) part of his story, part of your family's story.

Heidi said...

Great post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I could not agree more.

Becca said...

I know this is a cliche - but there is an end- you hang in there. My "ride" lasted two years. You can do this - you're one of the sweetest people I "know" in Bloggerland.

Peace and Hugs,

Victoria & Joe said...

Thanks Jason... Good to hear a prospective of a Dad... Hang in there.. Your time is coming.

Donna said...

Steph - did you get my e-mail last night? I'm having e-mail trouble, so just want to make sure!

Emily said...

Really nicely put...I continue to pray for you guys...both of you have the most amazing perspective's on this process and I too admire you...though I think Eli will be most proud when he looks back on this jounrey. :-)