Ramblings of a Madman

I've had this overwhelming urge to post lately, but my thoughts are so random and jumbled lately that I feared I would just ramble-on incoherently. However, I'm going to give it a go anyway, so you've been warned.

First, I wanted to piggy back the comment Steph made about Eli feeling so far away. I too have been feeling the same lately. I didn't know Steph felt the same until I read the latest post. I find this feeling somewhat disconcerting. Throughout this process, this is the furthest Eli has felt from me. I hope this is just a natural progression of emotions, and it only last a short time because it is not a good feeling, to say the least. While on the topic of emotions, I've been looking for a way to explain all that we have experienced throughout this adoption. I don't like calling it a roller coaster ride. For one, it is cliche. Two, a roller coaster ride only lasts a short time - two minutes tops. This has certainly gone on longer than that. So, I am open to suggestions. How do you describe an experience where you have your heart ripped-out with bad news then handed back to you within days, sometimes hours or minutes with the best news you've heard in while? How do you describe the joy and bliss, the utter sadness and helplessness we've had to endure? However you describe it, we want off of this ride. We want our Eli for good!!

Despite all of the crap we've had to endure, in the same breath we feel very blessed. To put a positive spin on us having to wait as long as we have, it has given us the opportunity to experience Guatemala in ways we probably would not have otherwise. Had we flown through this adoption we probably would have never taken a visit trip, let alone three. It is because of having to wait we have met so many wonderful people, both here in the US and in Guatemala. We probably never would have got to see the hospital where Eli was born. We would not have experienced Christmas in Guatemala- one of the best experiences of my life. And now, we will get to see Semana Santa. The best part is we did this all with Eli. These will be important parts of Eli's life story. It because of all of these happenings that we have fallen madly in love with Guatemala. It is in our soul. We feel such a strong connection to Guatemala, even greater than this is being Eli''s birth country. I think I speak for both of us when I say, Guatemala is on our minds every hour of everyday. We are always plotting ways in which we can go there and stay for awhile (longer than a week). So, to say we are blessed is an understatement. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jumping up and down with joy the adoption has taken this long, but I do feel blessed.

Once again I think I speak for the both of us on this, we have been provided a deeper glimpse into inner beings, due to our excruciating wait. We have seen how strong we really are and can be in the face of hardship. I am amazed how gracefully we have gotten through all of this. That doesn't mean there haven't been some ugly days around here because there have been . . . some really ugly ones. But, we get back up to face the next challenge. People have said to me in the past when I tell them what is happening "I don't know how you guys do it." I once responded, and I truly believe this - this is the hardest thing I have ever done, yet it is the easiest. I think it is pretty obvious how it's been hard, but it has been so easy because I want this so badly. When something goes wrong with our adoption I don't have to wonder what we are going to do; I already know. We are going to do whatever is necessary to get through it and to rectify the issue. It's that easy, but not easy by any means. Anything worth doing is going to be difficult. I didn't fully realize what I was signing-on for when we decided on this adoption . . . I still don't.