Monday, February 25, 2008

Reconnecting

The past 3 weeks or so have been incredibly stressful, full of so many uncertainties and so many emotions. I have really been struggling with anger over our delays and sadness over the time we are missing with little pea. Up until recently, I had not put much energy into lamenting the things we are "missing" because that is just something I prepared myself for when we embarked on this incredible adoption journey. But, Jason and I never imagined Eli would not be home for his first birthday and, as that day draws closer, it is becoming harder not to think about lost time. I have realized over the past couple of days that I am much sadder and struggling more than I really wanted to admit. And, Eli has been feeling farther and farther away.

At the same time, however, I still do not want to be consumed by this sadness and anger. I do not want it to cloud the joy and blessings of this process. Yes, despite the delays and frustrations, this has been an incredibly life-changing experience in more ways than we ever imagined. We acknowledge that our delays have brought many blessings in disguise. That certainly does not erase the heartache, the anger, sadness, and the anxiety, but it helps us remember that there is so much more than that.

So, to help ease my sadness and help bring Eli a little closer, we watched some of our video from our last visit trip. It was just what I needed. Dan and Erica videotaped this clip for us as we were reunited with Eli after four months. THANK YOU!! We were so lucky to meet Dan & Erica and their sweet son, AJ. We received our referrals on the same day and our timelines have been virtually identical! If you look closely, you can catch a glimpse of Dan & AJ in the background.

Eli's foster mother had to wake him up when we met them in the lobby of the hotel so he was still a little groggy and probably a little overwhelmed! But, this video is priceless and it is one incredible moment in our lives. As my dear friend, Beth, reminded me in her perfect way, we are creating our own unique story on becoming a family. We are experiencing our own unique "firsts." This video is part of that story. Oh, and I love watching how much Eli's foster mother dotes on him and how much her son adores Eli! He is so loved. The video is a little long and the resolution is low, but enjoy!!


7 comments:

Heidi said...

Oh, your video brought tears to my eyes. It reminds me so much of when we met our daughter for the first time. I hope you are out of PGN soon and can get that little guy home. He's a doll. I can totally relate to all the feelings you have on waiting. It's so hard.

Jess said...

OH TEARS!! I am so glad you got this on video! He is so much bigger than when I saw you with him the first time!

I admire tremendously the honesty that you are facing this with. Not many people face tough circumstances in that way.

Come on PGN! May this be the LAST TIME!!

Guatemama said...

Oh I am just bawling seeing your reunion with Eli. Thank you for sharing this!! In 21 days you will have another reunion. I think Beth is one smart lady. You are making your story I am just sorry it has to be so hard right now.
Tracy

Sandy said...

Ok, Steph, this post should really come with a warning! I was sobbing while I watched this video. Adoption is amazing! But, your post and video brought back so many memories of hard times for me. My boys turned 1 in Russia and I can remember how painful that was for me. I struggled so much with everything I was missing...all the while they were stuck in an orphanage and I don't even know if anyone hugged them on their birthday;0( I don't even know what to say to comfort you...is there anything? I pray for Eli to be in your arms very soon. While it's no consolation now, it does get better. They do come home and the first time Eli says "I love you Momma" it will all be worth it!

Bobbi said...

That was so beautiful!! Of course, I am in tears. He just looked so comfortable with you.

You do so well with all that you have been dealt. You must allow yourself the time to have all feelings. I am glad that you don't let the bad feelings take over.

I am always touched by your honesty and ability to move past hurdles.

The gFamily said...

Sandy is right, your video should have a warning(May cause extreme emotions!)! The reunions are such an emotional high! It is like no other feeling! You will be having that moment again so soon! I am still praying that you are OUT of PGN so soon so this can all come to an end and you can have him home forever!

Thank you for sharing! You are in my thoughts and prayers!!

Frances said...

Steph,

I love the video! I can see what wonderful parents you and Jason are and how much Eli already loves his Mommy and Daddy!

I know this wait is so hard...I am right here with you. I am learning the art of compartmentalization! It works some days (-:

Frances
Waiting on Rosalie